Fool's Forfeit

I feel a fool for having spent so much
So long in  bleak contention with myself
In blank incomprehension of all that
Surrounded me, what I saw, what I felt

Numb can appear to be aplomb, steady
State in the face of whatever might come
But it is dumb in both senses of dumb
Unable to think unable to speak

Thought requires thaw which is always awkward
Part sensations with most peculiar tales,
Speech begins naming what can’t be believed
Goes on into wilds of embarrassment

Here I am, eighty, forfeit of myself,
That now withstands to stand, to search, to say

(This is a repost to clarify)